Seeing Oneself From The Lens Of Another
Who do you think is looking at you when you stand in front of the mirror?
On a fairly uneventful night, an eye-opening event is intending to haltingly unfold: I am standing in front of my restroom mirror with the intention to clean my face and call it a day. But, here is a girl with a blob of cetaphil squeezed onto her left palm, unable to rub both her palms together and reach for her face. I gently stare at my face, look deep into my eyes, and subliminally wonder “I feel as if I have never met you before. You feel anew.” My consciousness is partially aware that I am looking at myself with such bewilderment and thinking “Looking at my face so intently feels like such a hysterical thing to be doing, why am I so weird?” Out of nowhere, I hear a ‘ting’ on my phone and my trance is successfully disrupted. Subconsciously I think “Thank god for that notification, god knows I was close to a delusional episode!”.
A few days later I am journaling and I am reminded of the mirror event — pondering over the reason it felt so eccentric to look at my own self.
Journal Entry
Till the moment I hadn’t caught myself staring in the mirror, I was in a state of flow. Even though the intent stare didn’t last for more than ten seconds or so, it was long enough for me to become cognisant of how it felt like a moment of utter bliss. Bliss within subliminity — as if I am looking at myself in the mirror for the first time; as if I didn’t know who this person was but I was curious to know who was standing in front of me. She wasn’t me for sure, she was someone else; a side of me I had never met before. And boy, was I in awe of her! That moment of sheer awakening was obstructed by a notification on my phone, and from there onwards, I just felt strange. Instantly, I judged myself for slipping into such a silly thing — you know, do I not know what I look like? Such an odd, eccentric, strange thing to be doing. If I am honest, it felt as if a part of me wanted to invite me in her world but I wasn’t ready to walk with her. But, for the first time in my life, I received her invitation.
Today, as I am writing this, I am thinking about how one event rippled its energy and activated so many dormant lying neurons in my mind (I say mind because I do not think the word ‘brain’, as complex as it is, carries the weight that the human mind can and has been since the history of time.)
Ever since self-examination became the primary value of my life, I have come to understand that two polar opposite thought processes operate simultaneously in my mind — one is kind to me, and the other is a fair bit judgemental. You may question me on “a fair bit judgemental” because I too feel my imposter syndrome getting triggered when I call out this part of my mind rather empathetically. But how do I know if you are actually critiquing me or if I am projecting my belief system on you? (self-examining, you see?). Projection, for those who struggle a tad with this word, means, presumming the other is feeling a certain way — a feeling that one has unconsciously denied/ stand-unaware-of, within oneself. So, if I am questioning myself on the statement I wrote, I presume that you will be questioning me on the same, which you could or could not be. On the other hand, I, unconsciously, hundred percent, believe that you are. But, once I develop awareness of my susceptibility to project my thoughts and emotions on the other, I learn to be open to the possibility that the other might not be judging me for what I am judging myself for.
Learning to be kind to oneself is a journey of its own — you begin with struggling with self-hatred; gradually move to noticing that you are kind to everyone else but to yourself; then you transition into resenting these people that you extend your kindness to perhaps because you dislike the fact that you can do it for them, but not for yourself. So, the self-hate evolves to hating the other but still being nice to the other, and hating yourself for self-sacrificing. This phase can also include constantly disliking the other for who they are. Then, a shift occurs and you realise that you are self-sabotaging! From that shift, if you are anything like me, you become reckless for a small bit. The recklessness screams “I don’t give a damn what you think!” From one end of the spectrum, you are at the other. However, it still does not feel authentic. Now, you want to establish this line for yourself — enters the boundary phase. “I will learn to be kinder to myself, and also be nice to others till the point it doesn’t seem like I’m self-sacrificing” is what the new goal is. And, this is exactly the phase where a lot of times you lapse and fail, but also learn and gain. However, with where you are now, you know how self-compassion feels, you have experienced it, and you constantly remind yourself that you deserve it.
While walking this journey, I gathered that there is a part of me that is worthy, wise, and whole. And the discovery of the wisdom within, enabled me to view with kindness a part of me that had developed to protect myself from everything that harmed me. This part cultivated layers of protection only because when it did not exist, I was harmed. It learnt that had it formed itself earlier, I would not have been harmed. So, it repented and formed a layer so strong that nothing could break it. But, with the intention ever so right, it negated a part of me that made me — me.
Like Erikson stated, when autonomy and initiative are met with nuclear bombs, they lead to shame and guilt. This is not only relevant to early stages of development, but throughout the development of the being.
Lo and behold, there exist two individuals within — one is the imposter, and the other is the baby. The former is the protector who is far from being integrated with the latter. It has achieved so many accolades and continues to, but the latter feels so distant from those accomplishments because it was never there when the former dealt with life so amazingly — it was hidden deep within. The latter experienced the trauma, the former dealt with the trauma. Something feels as if it’s deserving, and other feels so unworthy. The deserving fights and attains, the unworthy screams and sabotages.
But, something phenomenal happens when the former meets the latter. When they see each other, the deserving communicates with the one who feels unworthy, and reminds it of its worthiness. They converse for hours, they cry their hearts out, and they integrate. Slowly and steadily, the whole that was ruptured by the trauma becomes whole again.
Who do you wonder I met in the mirror? I did not meet the former or the latter, I met the whole. I had been working on the integration of the two for years, and that night, I got a glimpse of the whole — I remember her face like it’s mine.
I look in the mirror intentionally now, with the hope that I will reach her and say hello. I have still not gotten the chance to visit her with the eye, but internally, I feel her. And boy, is she beautiful!
The Lens of the Other
Realising that I was the worst critic I could have ever had has caused me immense pain. I have suffered, unknowingly so, by living a life that others wanted me to live — not because they asked that of me, but because I thought that is how I will prove to them that I am not broken inside. Looking at myself in the mirror was a baffling experience because it was the first time that I used my own lens to view myself. You see, I was never disintegrated internally, I viewed myself as so because of my perception of me. And, the perception was developed with my interaction with the other. The other became such an important element of my life that I forgot me.
In my beloved mentor’s words (Viktor E. Frankl) “you are pushed by drive, but pulled by meaning” — I feel immensely proud to state that I have finally reached a stage where I am willing to live my life’s meaning. I find meaning in facilitating an integration with the self for my clients in therapy. I know I could not have helped them explore their depths and heights if I had not explored mine. Well, sure the trauma was tragic, but it was meaningful (I know Frankl’s proud as I say this).
For those of us who struggle a little more than others to stand their ground because they are reconstructing, the reveal of the self is just around the corner!
Love,
RS
